Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
if you like me you must not know who I am
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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