I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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