He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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