come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
