I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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