It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
