The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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