He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
