im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
