u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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