Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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