I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
