You made me cry and you don't even care
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
