I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
