i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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