what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
