Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
