I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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