some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
