Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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