I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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