Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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