He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My liver just had a heart attack.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
