I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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