he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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