Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
