im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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