4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
