Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
