i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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