I wish my penis had an off switch
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
