Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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