Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
