The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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