I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
