Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
