Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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