At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
