dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
