she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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