I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
zippers are such a cool invention
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
