at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm getting married
To pizza
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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