i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
