I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
