my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
