I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
