I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
