Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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