I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
