The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
