i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
two words...techno handjob
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
