I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
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