I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
